...American Apparel Would Not Just Sell To Anyone

There would be a rigorous test. It would involve a physical, your BMI would have to be below average. And then there would be some sort of test of your knowledge that would involve knowing things about Animal Collective and Passion Pit.

...And the ads wouldn't be porn.
Or maybe they still would be.

...The Masses Wouldn't Know About Apple Computers

And they wouldn't cost so much. Scratch that, they would cost a lot, except they would sell them at thrift stores and only hipsters would know the location of these apple selling thrift stores.

...Every Car Would Be A Prius

...And they wouldn't be so damn trendy. It's like, I wanna save the planet more than other people, so if simpletons are driving Priuses how will anyone know that I'm better than they are?

...Vegan Bacon Would Taste Good

Nobody knows why hipsters love bacon, nor do we know how this fits into their emaciated, vegetarian, pro-animal rights lifestyle, but we all know that vegan bacon tastes like dog trash.

(To be fair, hipsters are willing to get behind any cause available, as long as they can picket and talk about how stupid republicans are)